I’ve been asking myself why I write at all, and I came up with several reasons for it. What sticks out to me the most is that everyone that comes across this will experience life through the prism of my eyes and maybe through my shared experience, they might witness God.
They say God works in mysterious ways and he surely does have a sense of humor too. Through an unusual encounter, I had a couple of weeks ago. I’ve had an epiphany in my life and the realization that came with it has been astounding. I’ve been praying for clarity from God in recent times and it’s very unusual how the effect of this encounter did exactly that.
I’m different, I’ve always been but I never accepted it. I never dared to stand out. I rather ignored a fundamental part of my existence and tried everything I could to fit in. The Bible is full of great men and women who dared to stand out and be different. Being different leads to innovation and critical thinking. See this greatness has followed me my entire life but I always run away from it. I always wanted to be normal and accepted so I never leaned into it. I had a fear of failure and rejection and I sought validation from the outside world. I never believed I was enough and I always chased after perfection. I’ve made myself broken my entire life because I ignored who I was and never loved myself properly.
My definition of love was always finding someone to complete me. The idea of finding another person to complete me meant I was broken and needed fixing. Pop culture has bombarded us with ideas of what love looks like and we never realized how wrong it was. So I’ve made myself broken all these years expecting my partners to fulfill me and they never could. See it was unfair to lay that burden at the feet of people who never asked for that. It is and has always been too much for anybody to handle. The 13th-century poet Rumi wrote: The universe is not outside you. Look inside yourself; everything that you want, you already are.
I needed to understand my uniqueness and properly love myself. I needed to look within and appreciate everything that comes with being me. I needed to accept that only God can provide the fulfillment I desire. Maybe right now my journey isn’t about finding love outside of me. Maybe right now my journey is about properly loving and accepting myself. Maybe this is the season I’m being challenged to be my safe place. Maybe right now I’m being reminded- that the people who walked away were only ever leading me back to myself. And here I am on my own. Here I am rebuilding. Here I am adapting, mending, and reclaiming all the pieces I let them walk away with. Here I am giving myself the same kind of love I’ve always given to others. Here I am accepting my imperfections as being a part of me. Here I am not feeling broken and depending on another human to fix it. Instead, here I am healing. Here I am knowing and accepting I’m never going to be perfect and fulfillment only comes from seeking God. Here I am not worrying about what the future holds anymore because I move differently knowing God’s got me. Here I am leaning into my greatness and trusting the God in me.
P. S: 1st John 4:18: There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love
